damn it. I lost my silver bracelet. It's a birthday present from abigail, and i had it for less than 48 hours before it's gone. I'm utterly miserable. =(
I walked the whole entire SMU trying to find it. From the school of business all the way to the school of soc sci, through the concourse, up in the GSRs, and even in the toilets. Plus i emo-ed my day away, unable to study, with too much angstiness and adreneline flowing through me.
I'm sulking, and grumpy and don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Anna's been wonderful. I've spend almost the whole day with her, except for the period where I actually lost my bracelet. She's been subjected to my whining, my complaining, my sulking and and my black face.
I CURSE THE PERSON WHO PICKED UP MY BRACELET AND DIDN'T RETURN IT TO LOST&FOUND. I HOPE THAT GIRL(GUY) GETS C- OR WORSE FOR ALL HER(HIS) CLASSES.
*sulk*
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Sunday, October 04, 2009
-10:08 PM
Happy Birthday to me.
This, is one of the worst birthday lead ups by far.
1) having a throbbing headache, which has been around since 2 weeks ago, on and off, and my head somehow decided to throw a hissy fit to pain tolerance. Thank God for gymnastics training which taught me how to wear a poker face and smile even if you feel like an axe is chopping you up in various parts.
2) At my club's birthday bash yesterday, the ex-club president sat me down, and tried convincing me to run for next year's exco. i had every intention to not be involved anymore, but he was THAT good. So now, i'm agonizing over the decision whether to run or not, and what i can do to make a difference. As cliche as it might seem, I actually do care andIi do want to make changes to this club, and push it even further up the ranks. But it might just kill my grades, my singing and my social life if i attempt to do so. And if I don't, it would be very irresponsible of me and I would be letting many people down. (last i heard was about 100) decisions, decisions...
3) I pangseh-ed a friend who wanted to party cos i felt too upset over problem 2. Plus, it's not the first time I've done that to him. well...stuff happens you know...And now, *guilt washing over again*
yet. life on the contrary, does NOT suck at all. =)
I recieved info about a birthday surprise already. HAHA. to hell with surprises, *ahem, i can act suprised. i'm going to have an awesome sleepover with friends. <3 and it's mid term. Plenty of time for me to enjoy myself.
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Friday, June 05, 2009
-12:40 AM
Time really flies when you’re enjoying yourself. In about 20 hours, it’ll be the start of choir concert, and in about 8 days, I’ll be flying off to Russia!
I can’t wait to go! (Or rather, I can’t wait to leave) If you can’t tell already, I would instinctively choose flight over fight. Many times, I would grit my teeth and force myself to confront my fears/problems/people. But after a while, I realize that some messes can never be cleared, and some problems cannot be solved, and people... well, I’ll just avoid them for the time being. That being said, yes I can’t wait to extract myself from all the shittiness and immerse myself in joyful music making. =)
Anyways, happy birthday melly! Yay! Melly, weiqin, mel and schezn are coming for my concert tomorrow and I can’t wait to see them as well! =D
On a random note, I realized the power of a girl’s charm over the past year. If you can charm someone, you can have a hell lot of influence over that person. On occasions, I have unwittingly exercised this power, and it caused me some unwarranted attention. It also brought about heighted self-awareness of how I behave and what I say. I have learnt to be more careful of course. But at times, it’s also a surprising to witness some unexpected reactions. It is at times, rather pleasing to have it come of use, but irritating when avoiding attention.
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Sunday, May 17, 2009
-10:56 PM
It’s been 10 years. In fact, even longer than 10 long years. I don’t know where to begin. But the accumulation of bitterness, hurt, disappointment, and of history about to repeat itself is just too much to bear. I thought I got over it, but let’s face it, some things, like this journey can never be forgotten so easily. It’s a love-hate thing between me and my church.
God, where do I begin? It has nothing to do with You, but to do with Your church and me.
Back then, I lacked courage to follow my dreams, and so I swallowed it all inside of me, and pretended not to care. I wasn’t good enough, I thought. Then in sec 4, I thought, what the heck, I’ve got nothing to lose. I gave up many things to follow through with it, but they didn’t see it. I was a good girl, I did everything to the best of my ability and tried so very hard. I rose up in ranks, invested in lives, did the mindless paperwork. But in the end, so what?!?!? By now people forgot what was done. But it’s ok. I’m fine with it. What bothered me was that all that work seemed to get me nowhere to where I actually wanted to go. It didn’t help one bit. I still ached inside the whole time.
if you argue and say it's all about the heart, it's a load of tosh. In secondary school, my heart was right. i honestly did want to serve. it's because of the fact that my heart was broken in the first place by you all that caused me to be so bitter anyway.
Then 2 years later, the church system underwent a change. So I had to re-audition to go back to where I was. The funny thing is, I also went for a school audition. The 2 auditions were just less than 12 hours apart; one at night, and one in the morning of the next day. I got through my school audition, and failed the one for church. And guess what? The school one was just so much more exclusive, so much harder for people to get in, but I still got it anyway. and the event in school was a huge success, they taught me so much more during those few months than the church ever did over 2 years.
I still remembered what was said that day. “You’re not strong enough. Maybe you should try something else. “ Really? I’m not strong enough? but you crack all the time! Because of what happened, I never really recovered. I will never forget how much went into this. I was shattered, like a part of me died. Anyone in church during j2 would have thought I was like zombie. i was lost, and wilting inside. Thank God for Ashleigh, who kinda dragged me around as needed.
Now, it’s happening again. I know the time for a crossroad is coming soon. This time, I will be the one to make a choice. After being a Christian for over a decade, I know what’s the right thing to do. I know the right choice to make, and I hate it. No matter whatever I said before, when the time comes, I know I will reject it very violently.
The whole struggle had been going on subconsciously in the back of my head, but I only realized it today. After spending weekend after weekend telling my parents about my personal opinions of church, today went past a peak of objectivity, and escalated into me voicing out my frustrations, ranting and rambling. And when my dad finally gave up defending the church, and left for a church meeting, I sat down and brooded, wondering why the hell I am so angry.
I’m angry because I’m forced into this tight corner. This decision will break my heart and make me miserable. I’m angry that in previous discussions, I already promised to do the “right” thing. I don’t get it. I’m not very needed in church anyway. Why must I give up what I love doing? Back then, they took away my opportunity, and now I have to make a choice that will deprive me of the very same love.
No wonder I’m so bitter about it. Sorry for my selfishness, but I this is just so important to me, I’m not ready to let it go just yet. Most people just don’t understand. Talent and passion are 2 very different things. I may suck. I may not be that good, but I still love it. I love every moment of doing what I love. To others, it may just seem like a fleeting dream, a youthful desire, or a passing whim. But to me, it’s what I’m living for right now. If you ask me about studies, I’m only in university simply because I’m smart enough to be here. I don’t even know what real profession I want to do. just doing a business degree now because it’s so generalized. In Singapore, there’s just not much of a choice.
Please, I’ve wanted to do this ever since kindergarten. Ask my parents if you don’t believe me.
To my friends: when I said I will be heartbroken when the time comes, I really did mean it. I’ll say a big thank you now in advance, for the times that you guys will catch me when I fall.
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Friday, May 08, 2009
-1:01 AM
I promise to blog at least once a month during summer!!! at least after coming to smu, my typing speed has somewhat improved, although i'm still damn slow.
you know why? econs exam consists of 1 hour of planning time, and 10 mins to type in your answer, and until now, no matter how many good points i come up with, i still cannot type fast enough to fit in everything.
Right. quick update on my summer plans:
-finding a job for may (but currently unsuccessful and slacking at home) -choir competition in RUSSIA =) -holiday with Anna in Netherlands -facilitating school camps for next year's freshies
Major exciting plans!
but for now, the next few weeks will be spent by going out to meet different people, celebrating anna's birthday, mother's day, playing FFVIII and watching tv, and of course, facebooking and twittering extensively.
Anyone out there feeling bored with life in general? back then about more than 1 month ago, i had this overwheming boredom. a feeling that hasn't gone away since. I'm just so sick of life's routine. And by routine, i do not mean wakeup-go school-do work-eat- etc. I meant that i'm sick of the usual things that happen. Things like exams, and then meeting people after that, or going shopping, or watchng a movie. Doesn't matter if it's work related or just plain leisure. It's frustrating because i can't shake it off. It's not like i'm sad or anything, but it's just bugging me. Everything just seem so.... sian.... sigh.
maybe if i were a kid again, life would seem more exciting. I miss the times when we find joy in the simple things. Waiting in eager anticipation for an outing to town with mom and dad, or going to a nice restaurant to celebrate an event. Even early teens sound fun; going shopping with friends, catching a movie, or even flirting with some guy.
now everything screams NORMAL. things that i usually do not do everyday, like go to sentosa, or elaborate events become so passé. I ask myself, is it because of the fact that i'm almost 20? experiencing 20 years of going to restaurants, 20 years of going out, 20 years of having fun, 20 years of learning, 20 years of a modern city life has numbed me.
Well, it also could be the fact that we are all living in a society where change is the most anticipated and normal occurance, and technology ceased to amaze us. There was a time when people cry out in wonder at the beginnings of electronic devices, the internet, and space exploration. But now, in this generation, anything new becomes assimilated into our lives without question; it's as if we totally expect new stuff to be created. With this kind of mentality, "fun" experiences are also a commodity now. Lifestyles of most singaporeans allow us to go on holidays frequently, we celebrate all our friends' birthdays, and all other events are commercialized, celebrated by society whether we want it or not. Leisure comes to us in so many competing forms - movies, music, restaurants, video games.
It's a wonder i didnt feel this sooner. In the past, i've only ever felt a meaninglessness to life. But this is ridiculous. I am no longer excited, anticipating, hoping, thrilled.
I need a muse.
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Saturday, February 28, 2009
-11:48 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LANDY!
it was awesome meeting up the life concert peeps, or part there of, again for landy's 21st. actually, there was only landy, chris, joash, tim and me. they totally crack me up. I just love it when we sing together and harmonise. yup, we sang to landy a lovely happy birthday with harmonies. they were so high and all, going crazy, and spouting lots and lots of rubbish. and which reminds me, sometimes i think they really forget i'm a girl. -.- but also cos of that i got to see this side of them. LOL.
yay, tim and joash said they're coming for open house. whoots. can hang out again and laugh at their antics. =)
7am - 830am get to school 830 am - 1145am marketing class 12m - 315pm financial account(quiz, oh horrors) class 330pm - 645pm business government and society class 7pm- 930pm choir practice. (whoots! fugue) 10pm- 12 am in library with abigail, trying to finish lit review for paper due the next day 12am - 12 30 am library closed and we decided to head home to finish 1230am - 2am got home and attempted to do report 3am- 5am failed and slept instead 5am woke up in shock when i dreamt of abigail and screamed BGS in my head 5am - 630am did report 630 - now blogging. (while abi edits)
omg. i've never eaten so little ever in my whole life in 1 day. (sorry, i'm so pampered) i don't know what will happen later. my voice is about to give way already. gosh i'm so tired.
plans for later:
9am - 10am pack for choir concert 10am - 11 am travel to school with lots of stuff 1115am - 1145 am do survey in school 12 meet choir 730pm - ?? choir concert!
then with barely enough sleep..
wed: 7am - 830am wake up and get to school 830am - 1145am econs class 12pm - 230pm BE's live radio event 230pm - 5pm do last minute prep for econs project 5pm - 7pm econs project meeting
